hard to the core

somariot @ 2009-09-19T21:36:00

2009-09-20T01:44:06Z

i've moved from words to colors.. so many bright thoughts crowd my head that they only work their way down my limbs, through my fingers, and onto paper if by means of a colorful marker. it doesn't feel the same, though.. until i speak with him. and the words i can't write come from his mouth and i'm freed of these chains that hold my language hostage..

and just like that i'm his beautiful wreck.

somariot @ 2009-02-19T23:44:00

2009-02-20T04:45:39Z

it's about that time again..

and the timing of it all keeps my faith strong.

somariot @ 2009-02-14T10:47:00

2009-02-14T15:49:14Z

i'm missing something..

and it still holds true:

"time is the longest distance between two places."

somariot @ 2008-06-23T00:21:00

2008-06-23T04:21:22Z

never make anyone your priority when to them you are simply an option.

here is to me loving myself, enough to do what is right for me, when it is right for me, and learning when i have waited too long to make the necessary change. and here is to old words, written but never shared:

04.07.07
'he tells me he dreams of a waitress with maxwell house eyes
and marmalade thighs with scrambled yellow hair
i hear your voice when he speaks, when he sings in that low key
looks me up with those eyes, brown where yours would be green'

05.11.07
'i've just discovered a sanctuary, a haven for the kinder types, the outcasts of this toxic trend. it may be this spot that is the motivation, and the confirmation, for me to strive for a better lifestyle, work on what i have always known to be my dream'

07.07.07
'i discovered a silence as i retreated behind a veil of smoke i'd created with the intention of being seen, not seeing as i now was
a dark protection, a soft something blanketed my restraints and i let go, into the night and whatever it held for me
all motion ceased around me as my mind, finally but not forever, stopped screaming'

and here is to old friends, a bit further away but never forgotten:

somariot @ 2008-04-17T01:26:00

2008-04-17T05:20:04Z

what a price to pay for having places to visit so far from home. my heart is heavy, my hands are shaking and my head feels numb. i'm leaving the windows open, hoping these feelings will drift away with the cool breeze that brought them. but they are yearnings that were planted long before the first taste of that cold air. it's only taken this long because.. because. because there is no good reason. hopefully these tears will freeze against my face and act as seeds inside my soul. root themselves in my heart and bloom so i can open up, stop holding tight until i'm ready to burst. i've felt the progress already, but it never seems to be enough.. but maybe this time it's not my fault.

somariot @ 2008-03-03T22:51:00

2008-03-04T04:09:59Z

t minus..

two weeks and your name keeps teasing me at the most unexpected moments. i'm seeing your face where it never was before and the memories are flooding my routines as if it were only yesterday i had to leave them behind. i haven't given up yet, hoping and praying that it will be this anniversary that brings you back to us. i am finally honestly comforted in knowing that we'll be together again, but the thought of waiting is almost unbearable. i still feel empty.. my heart has started healing but two years isn't nearly long enough. i don't know if i'll ever be the same again. so much of me left with you and i can't figure out how to get it back.. i love you and miss you and miss you and miss you and i'll never stop praying that you will come back forever and not just for minutes at a time. when those certain songs play, or when i let a secret slip that was only ours to keep, or when i cry for hours because you never leave my mind..

i guess we'll see where these two weeks take me.

somariot @ 2007-12-05T22:49:00

2007-12-06T04:03:02Z

and in the darkness behind my heavy lids i am distracted by everything impossible i could be melting into. sensations on my skin blur together and i'm unsure if it is my back or my breast. my neck or my thigh. and even though the sun fights through drawn curtains, my nocturnal mind is hard at work in this comfortable darkness i've created for myself.

------------------------------------------------------------------

remember remember, the first of december: the day i woke up in a sweat
you poured and you sipped, but the wrong one: it slipped
gave you that sweet morning strong whiskey breath

somariot @ 2007-10-25T13:31:00

2007-10-25T17:35:36Z

just when i thought i was out of touch with the emotional turmoil of the past eighteen months, i crossed paths with the one person who could remind me that i will never truly forget. thank god that just as i was having a hard time remembering, i got this mini meltdown to refresh the whole thing.

and it still hurts like hell.

i still miss you and i still love you and i will still pray that, somehow, you will come back to us. today feels exactly like that first day did, when my world fell apart right in front of me..

somariot @ 2007-10-14T10:27:00

2007-10-14T14:27:34Z

12.09.07

... already everything is a blur.. london is only a faint memory, something i might have dreamt, or held in my hands as a child. all the street signs begin to look the same, and i am left wondering if these cities are pulling me apart. i have been a complete puzzle for so long, content with not knowing what held me together. for the first time i am seeing how my pieces fit together, how they might be rearranged to create a more comfortable fit. ...

somariot @ 2007-08-21T03:45:00

2007-08-21T07:53:28Z

these words flow out of me like blood from pierced skin. my mind has been wounded, scarred from the thoughts of someone who speaks in volumes that he could never even understand. all i have to prove myself are candles burning slowly, wicks littered with dust and dog hair, flaring when lit, ashes in the shape of matches, wax that will never amount to what it used to be. and the tragic timing of lyrics i shared with someone i cannot shake off. the last track plays out and i am startled by the beginning when i was so sure it was the end.

somariot @ 2007-07-28T20:04:00

2007-07-29T00:06:08Z

...and when i get lucky, those bright, retired colors from the rainbows of my past revisit my summer nights: i am eighteen again.

somariot @ 2007-07-21T04:02:00

2007-07-21T08:03:14Z

walk around this town like we own the streets
stay awake through summer like we own the heat

i remember chanting this song like i owned eighteen. now two years have passed and it still hits hard.. every summer is the same: friends, ex-boyfriends, parties, and a driveway i've pulled into too many times. but now it's my own car instead of someone i call my ride. no more makeout sessions in the backseats of parents' cars, no parks after sunset, no search for gas stations that sell to underage kids. my teenage years were more colorful than the rest of my life could ever be. now come the colors of adulthood, responsibility. there are still rainbows that lay ahead of me. the shades of those familiar colors have just gotten darker, more deep..

somariot @ 2007-06-19T05:30:00

2007-06-19T09:21:00Z

skin is saturated from raiding private water in the dark hours. limbs are twitching, antsy from these words: familiar though they've never danced into my ears. sheets are soaked in a scent that tells stories, pages and chapters of memories that seem more like old dreams. fever breaks and i sweat out my fears, limp and pale, dry mouth, goosebumps. a lingering nausea, nothing but hanging lingerie to alleviate the discomfort of a cold floor..

..we'll see where these stairs take me.

somariot @ 2007-04-28T21:00:00

2007-04-29T01:00:15Z

..i think it's time for the flower to come out. there is no bear, no wolf, no lioness hibernating deep inside. the roots have finally gotten hold of my heart and i can let go of the reins now, something else is driving me. i want my blood to flow, thick and deep dark red, through my veins and keep me warm. i've been cold for so long, but spring is here now. the ice is slowly melting..

somariot @ 2007-04-16T18:28:00

2007-04-16T22:24:27Z

fuck instant gratification. it's easy to be impatient when a single song sums up a lifelong journey. when ninety minutes of romanticized romance undermine a priceless emotion. if i can wait for it, it will be worth it.

because just outside the shade is where it blooms..

somariot @ 2007-04-07T03:44:00

2007-04-07T08:18:44Z

we dream of days with no condensation
drinks that don't sweat in already hot hands
and we cry out for faraway cities
too distant to hold our attention

somariot @ 2007-03-31T17:59:00

2007-03-31T22:05:06Z

i used to be all yellow in the mornings but now i stick my nose in your hair and it smells grassy and you're hugging my waist and my feet disappear between your strong legs and i close my eyes and smile and you kiss my dimple and tell me i'm home..

finally, the days are getting longer.

somariot @ 2007-03-17T02:35:00

2007-03-17T06:49:27Z

i feel absolutely sick to my stomach. for a week i've had this sinking feeling, pulling down on my insides, but there is no escape for them. there is no place safe from these thoughts. for a year i have convinced myself that today would be the day i would wake up and be rid of this nightmare. even if i could sleep i'd be afraid to wake up to a more harsh reality. only now is it real that i have these marks on my arms. this colorful reminder of what i've been missing. these letters trailing behind me, written but never sent. confessions stained with inks of the deepest red, the lightest blue, the saddest black that ever spoke. but they're screaming now, cries that go unanswered. this is the calm after the storm. the floods have receded and there's life on the damp ground. i am soaked but i did not drown. now it's not a fight to stay afloat. no more struggling to the surface for air.

...and until we meet again, may god hold you in the palm of his hand.

somariot @ 2007-03-11T19:36:00

2007-03-11T23:43:59Z

this story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear
calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath
i am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea
i spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean

somariot @ 2007-03-07T00:37:00

2007-03-07T05:33:40Z

this is for the bear
and the other undiscovered animals hibernating deep inside the few of us
i've just walked away from rainbows, from sunshine,
from blue skies even when they're grey
a world that shook me awake to stare into my eyes, sung me to sleep to feel that slow beat
that familiar pulse
but it's not faded
this time it's red lipstick for love
motown mornings and snow showers
affection

affection
this is for the bear
for the wolf growing out
for the tiger with the light stripes
for the hawk with the sad eyes
for the horse with the bleeding heart
this is for me

somariot @ 2007-02-28T17:11:00

2007-02-28T22:11:10Z

where did the last twelve months go?

nineteen was the most painful year of my life. i'm ready for rainbows.

somariot @ 2007-02-18T16:38:00

2007-02-18T21:42:49Z

i lay down and stared up, wondering what it would feel like to die slowly, comfortably. i inhaled and the tips of my body touched the surface: nipples, ribs, knees. exhaled and fell onto the floor, resting lightly, almost weightless. i inhaled slightly and held my breath, a balancing act between parallels. stared down the surface and made peace with my toes, floating alone at the end. for a moment i was as thin as the top, stretched out sideways and level with the edge. i let my head roll back and my eyes fell to the ceiling until i took another breath.

somariot @ 2007-02-12T20:18:00

2007-02-13T01:33:56Z

i drove far away today, out to where you were last. i cried the whole way there, but as soon as i parked my car i could breathe again. it was more unreal than i expected. just another patch of grass on the side of the road, nothing to attract attention. if it weren't for the fresh bouquet of weeping flowers, the scars in the bark of the tree that got in your way, i wouldn't have believed i was in the right place. but i stood on the spot where you took your last breath and i stared at the pole, that impossibly heavy pillar of whatever comes immediately after life. i stared at my feet and tried to summon some closure, but i felt you with me. i felt you looking over my shoulder while i wondered who brought the flowers. watching me as i watched the traffic, wondering why there was none that horrible night. holding my hand as i walked back to the car, so many questions still unanswered. you sat next to me as i sat in my car, unable to breathe. while i drove away in the wrong direction, headed farther and farther from the world i know. a few blocks down there was a fire hydrant, unattended, spewing water all over the sidewalk. it made me think of you that night, the life leaking out of you more quickly than we could stop it. and no one was there to see it. no one was there to say what always should have been said but never was. no one saw you for days. and then it was too late anyway.

i thought i would feel better revisiting that spot. i thought it might be easier by myself, but the sounds of screaming and sobbing still echoed in my head. i feel like i will wake up tomorrow with the same missed calls and the same voicemails. i'll drive back to the only place that could comfort me. the only people i could cry in front of. i will pound my fists on the floor and the walls and experience a hysteria that was previously unknown to me. and when i regain awareness of the functioning world, i'll call it the worst day of my life.

i've accepted the pain, the unanswered, the fact that i will never get over it. but i don't know how i'll go on feeling so numb. i don't know what to do anymore. i miss you everyday. i love you always. i want you to come back to us forever..

somariot @ 2007-02-11T04:50:00

2007-02-11T09:54:08Z

she laughed so easily, when she was happy, but also when she was sad.

i'm taking these words and making them my own. i've never read anything so true, so parallel, to everything i have loved and lost, but more importantly, learned. i will make it my art, my mission. if i can't beat it, i will find a way to manipulate it and create something beautiful. no one said it would be easy.

the damned could be saved, he said, anytime. but they refused to give up their sins. though they suffered endlessly, they would not give them up, even for salvation, perfect divine love. i hadn’t understood at the time. if sinners were so unhappy, why would they prefer their suffering? but now i knew why. without my wounds, who was i? my scars were my face, my past was my life. it wasn’t like i didn’t know where all this remembering got you, all that hunger for beauty and astonishing cruelty and ever-present loss.

somariot @ 2007-02-03T11:50:00

2007-02-03T17:28:46Z

"time is the longest distance between two places."

all i've got is a mug full of hope and feeling so close to something i may never be able to touch.

i'm reaching out and trying to grab something that may not even exist. but the taste of that skyline in snow lingers in my throat before i swallow all hope.