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Time:09:36 pm
i've moved from words to colors.. so many bright thoughts crowd my head that they only work their way down my limbs, through my fingers, and onto paper if by means of a colorful marker. it doesn't feel the same, though.. until i speak with him. and the words i can't write come from his mouth and i'm freed of these chains that hold my language hostage..




and just like that i'm his beautiful wreck.
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Time:11:44 pm
it's about that time again..

and the timing of it all keeps my faith strong.
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Time:10:47 am
i'm missing something..

and it still holds true:

"time is the longest distance between two places."
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Time:12:21 am
never make anyone your priority when to them you are simply an option.

here is to me loving myself, enough to do what is right for me, when it is right for me, and learning when i have waited too long to make the necessary change. and here is to old words, written but never shared:

04.07.07
'he tells me he dreams of a waitress with maxwell house eyes
and marmalade thighs with scrambled yellow hair

i hear your voice when he speaks, when he sings in that low key
looks me up with those eyes, brown where yours would be green'

05.11.07
'i've just discovered a sanctuary, a haven for the kinder types, the outcasts of this toxic trend. it may be this spot that is the motivation, and the confirmation, for me to strive for a better lifestyle, work on what i have always known to be my dream'

07.07.07
'i discovered a silence as i retreated behind a veil of smoke i'd created with the intention of being seen, not seeing as i now was
a dark protection, a soft something blanketed my restraints and i let go, into the night and whatever it held for me
all motion ceased around me as my mind, finally but not forever, stopped screaming'


and here is to old friends, a bit further away but never forgotten:




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Time:01:26 am
what a price to pay for having places to visit so far from home. my heart is heavy, my hands are shaking and my head feels numb. i'm leaving the windows open, hoping these feelings will drift away with the cool breeze that brought them. but they are yearnings that were planted long before the first taste of that cold air. it's only taken this long because.. because. because there is no good reason. hopefully these tears will freeze against my face and act as seeds inside my soul. root themselves in my heart and bloom so i can open up, stop holding tight until i'm ready to burst. i've felt the progress already, but it never seems to be enough.. but maybe this time it's not my fault.
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Time:10:51 pm
t minus..

two weeks and your name keeps teasing me at the most unexpected moments. i'm seeing your face where it never was before and the memories are flooding my routines as if it were only yesterday i had to leave them behind. i haven't given up yet, hoping and praying that it will be this anniversary that brings you back to us. i am finally honestly comforted in knowing that we'll be together again, but the thought of waiting is almost unbearable. i still feel empty.. my heart has started healing but two years isn't nearly long enough. i don't know if i'll ever be the same again. so much of me left with you and i can't figure out how to get it back.. i love you and miss you and miss you and miss you and i'll never stop praying that you will come back forever and not just for minutes at a time. when those certain songs play, or when i let a secret slip that was only ours to keep, or when i cry for hours because you never leave my mind..

i guess we'll see where these two weeks take me.
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Time:10:49 pm
and in the darkness behind my heavy lids i am distracted by everything impossible i could be melting into. sensations on my skin blur together and i'm unsure if it is my back or my breast. my neck or my thigh. and even though the sun fights through drawn curtains, my nocturnal mind is hard at work in this comfortable darkness i've created for myself.

------------------------------------------------------------------


remember remember, the first of december: the day i woke up in a sweat
you poured and you sipped, but the wrong one: it slipped
gave you that sweet morning strong whiskey breath
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Time:01:31 pm
just when i thought i was out of touch with the emotional turmoil of the past eighteen months, i crossed paths with the one person who could remind me that i will never truly forget. thank god that just as i was having a hard time remembering, i got this mini meltdown to refresh the whole thing.

and it still hurts like hell.


i still miss you and i still love you and i will still pray that, somehow, you will come back to us. today feels exactly like that first day did, when my world fell apart right in front of me..
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Time:10:27 am

12.09.07

... already everything is a blur.. london is only a faint memory, something i might have dreamt, or held in my hands as a child. all the street signs begin to look the same, and i am left wondering if these cities are pulling me apart. i have been a complete puzzle for so long, content with not knowing what held me together. for the first time i am seeing how my pieces fit together, how they might be rearranged to create a more comfortable fit. ...

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Time:03:45 am
these words flow out of me like blood from pierced skin. my mind has been wounded, scarred from the thoughts of someone who speaks in volumes that he could never even understand. all i have to prove myself are candles burning slowly, wicks littered with dust and dog hair, flaring when lit, ashes in the shape of matches, wax that will never amount to what it used to be. and the tragic timing of lyrics i shared with someone i cannot shake off. the last track plays out and i am startled by the beginning when i was so sure it was the end.
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[icon] hard to the core
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